Herald of the Hills

“Communication in Marriage”

Jokes and jibs concerning communication within marriage are ancient. Yet, in a society that boasts the greatest communications possibilities since that wall of silence fell between God and humanity at the setting of the Garden’s angel, divorce rates, spousal abuse, and domestic violence is an indictment against either our ability or our willingness to communicate, at least with our spouse. It is ultimately “fixable.”
          Our first consideration might be our culture of distraction. Thousands of couples have reduced togetherness to a night in front of the TV, and there are still conflicts because different people have different taste and want to watch different things. Since we are a generation whose memories consist almost entirely of reruns, we have fewer skills in two-way information sharing. It takes time and effort to develop a shared meaning between two people. It also takes brainwork, fast becoming our society’s greatest challenge. Further, it takes selflessness, another character trait on the endangered species list. Couples need to turn off the TV, cell phone, and computer, an look each other in the eye and, perhaps, see one other for the first time since they made goo~goo eyes at each other during the dating phase.
          The second consideration might be an understanding and appreciation for the process involved in communication. God knew that humanity was not able to swallow the nature of His greatness in one dose so He revealed Himself and His purpose piecemeal, (i.e., Exo. 6:3). Jesus would tell His apostles, “I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now” (John 16:12). Getting to know someone, growing a bond between two or more individuals is a process. Couples grow together over time and communication is critical in that bonding process; and it is a process with itself. As we become closer to our spouse, lean more about them, and understand them better, our communication will become more fluid and easier to produce, but only with practice and sacrifice. Understanding that there will be misunderstandings is a part of the process. Further, it is not a negative or a roadblock to a successful marriage; it is merely a hurdle that, once cleared, strengthens the confidence and commitment of two people dedicated to oneness.
          Finally, establishing clear lines of communication is essential to a marriage’s success because of Satan’s attack on the family. The foundation of any civilized society is the family unit. It has come under attack in a more violent fashion that many living today have ever seen. Christians cannot hope to hold up biblical marriage as the standard when their marriages are falling apart at a higher rate than ever before. Communities need to see that a one-man/one-woman bond is the only relationship that can be rightly called marriage. Further, though often the butt of many a joke, marriages must not be seen as the end of happiness and freedom. We must convey through our communication to society that the God-ordained arrangement is not only wonderful, it is the only one that is acceptable, and that all substitutions are less at best and perverse at worst.
          Human’s are social creatures; hence, God would express His only dissatisfaction with His perfect creation, not as some divine epiphany on His part, but reveal to us the fact that we need each other: “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” (Gen 2:18). Needing each other involves communication with each other and there should be nowhere that this need is more intense and more fully met than within a bond where two persons become “one flesh” (v. 24).
          In view of the preceding concerns about communication in marriage, allow me to offer the following suggestions to enhance shared meaning between husband~wife:

1. Work on clarity. Most of the arguments begin and escalate due to unclear terms, failing to define terms, and allowing terms to carry unjust assigned baggage. Take a word at its simplest meaning, consistent with its context, and try not to “read in” meanings that do not exist.
2. Work on patience. We do not arrive in this world as expert communicators. As much as you want to be understood, you must invest in understanding. When words are uttered that are not conducive to peaceful resolutions or clarity, be slow to expose the terms and tones that stymie good communication. We all have our weakness; advertising your spouse’s shortcomings does not endear you to him or her.
3. Work on listening. Our propensity for verbosity, i.e., our gift of gab, often impedes understanding and clear communication. We are so busy formulating our arguments or information that we fail to assimilate the information our spouse has spent equal time formulating for their best delivery. Hear not only what your spouse is saying but what he or she means, even repeating what they say occasionally to be sure you understand; this gives them an opportunity to confirm that you understand exactly what is meant.

Christian couples are being scrutinized more intensely now than ever before as innovations in coupling are being introduced and accepted. Communications properly, in a godly fashion, will be a strong case for the rightness of godly marriage.
Jeff Sweeten
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August Birthday’s

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